Old fic update
May. 27th, 2007 04:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mogwai_doAfter a kitchen sink backup yesterday and finding all sort of old interesting things on the hard drive, I think I shall post an old fic that has been lying around for years. Stargate for variety. I think I've improved somewhat since then, but the jury's still out I think. I shall probably have to post something new for comparison's sake.
Disclaimer: These characters don't belong to me, I'm not sure who they do belong to, but if they ever feel like selling... ;-) I make no profit by this and mean no harm.
Rating: PG
Warnings: None
Pairing: None
Notes: Every time I watch this episode this snags at my brain, so it was probably inevitable that I'd write something about it sooner or later. Set during Broca Divide. First person pov.
Summary: True communication means more than words can say.
Crossing the Broca Divide
Copyright Margaret Turner
13th January 2003
Jack's quiet now as he rests against me, although we can still hear the sounds of his fellow inmates along the corridor. The grunts and yells, thuds and crashes as they hurl themselves at the walls and doors in a futile attempt to escape. From an anthropological standpoint this regression is fascinating, but in all honesty it's mostly terrifying, not least because it's spread so quickly. Half of us seemed to get it from the planet, but Jack got it from Sam and as quickly as that we're teetering on the brink.
Teal'c's unaffected, but that's most likely one of the benefits of his symbiote. Why I haven't got it, why Doctor Frasier hasn't, is anyone's guess at this point. If there's some natural immunity at work, then it stands to reason we won't be the only ones, but so far the odds are overwhelmingly against us. Janet's running out of places to put the affected people. We're a frontline facility, but we've only been frontline for a month, we had no idea what we might run into out there so we had no idea of what we might need. Now we know - some of it anyway.
Lock them up out of harm's way, restrain them, drug them into insensibility if nothing else works. It's not something I've ever really thought about, but if I had, I guess I would have thought such treatment inhumane, but here and now I understand all too well how necessary it is. If Janet and the General hadn't acted as they did, not only might this have escaped the mountain, but we could have been looking at fatalities - which brings me back to why I'm here.
Janet says Nurse Hawkins and Lieutenant Rogers will recover, which is a relief, but it still doesn't lessen the shock that it was Jack that did that to them. I never really thought of Jack as, well, as a soldier and now it's just bitten me on the ass. He very nearly permanently disabled two fully-grown men and gave a hell of a lot of bruises to a few more. I can blame it on the virus, like the way Johnson went berserk in the briefing room, but I can't ignore it. Janet is too busy to notice the differences in her patients, I'm not sure it's even significant, but it's why I'm here now against all common sense and even Janet's orders.
After they'd pulled the injured out, they slammed the door and Janet said they could only hope Jack would wear himself out soon so they could sedate him before he did himself or anyone else a permanent injury. I had nothing to say to that so I just sat in the corridor and waited; Teal'c was needed to help with other patients, but I was superfluous to requirements, so I might as well have been there as anywhere else. Staying nearby made me feel like I might be able to help, somehow, and that was when I noticed.
Down the corridor Colonel Makepeace was busy smashing his room up, the other inmates were similarly occupied from the sounds of things. But not Jack. I didn't even register at first the strange silence from his cell, not until I heard the first frustrated... cry is the best word for it, I suppose. It took me back nearly twenty-five years to when I was a child in Egypt with my parents. We'd had to visit a local dignitary to get permission for a dig and the man had fancied himself something of a modern pharaoh. I don't really remember much of the visit, but one thing did stick - like the pharaohs of old, the man had a hunting cat. It was a big desert cat, the kind that could swallow a curious six year-old boy whole. Jack probably wouldn't find it any sort of surprise that rather than being terrified I was instead fascinated by it. Animals hadn't played a big part in my life; there were camels, occasionally horses, and lots of scorpions, but pets of any description were outside my experience. I was warned away from it, shown an impressive set of scars the beast had inflicted, but I still managed to get away from my parents during the meeting and find the cat sunning itself in the courtyard.
I suppose it was mostly luck that it didn't kill me, but to be honest I've always regarded the beast with a certain amount of affection. She let me pet her and even swiped her rough, wet tongue across my cheek. I've read somewhere that cats are able to identify children as human kittens and are prepared to be more patient with them as a result. I don't know how true that is, but it's an interesting concept. Anyway, that's what Jack reminded me of, not just the noise he made, but his actions. Teal'c had left the grille in the door open so I got up and peered in. After a quick glance at me, Jack ignored my presence and continued what he'd been doing, namely restlessly pacing up and down the small cell. And everything just slipped into place.
Jack was reacting differently to the virus, or at least the end results were different. Makepeace, the marines, everyone I'd seen infected with this to date had regressed, their behaviour not a million miles from that of the big primates. Jack seemed to have gone a different route altogether. The pacing, the sounds he made, his attack on the nurses; they bore far more resemblance to the behaviour of the big cats. He was as territorial as the marines, but he attacked differently. The marines flailed about, half of the display intended to intimidate rather than actually fight so they'd been relatively easy to subdue with numbers. Jack had gone straight for the kill every time, minimum expenditure of energy, maximum damage. It was predatory rather than brute social violence. Maybe it's some weird offshoot of his Special Ops training, I have no idea, I'm a linguist mostly not a psychologist or a medical doctor. But that's what gave me this brilliant idea.
If he was behaving differently then a different approach might have more success. We'd been overpowering the others to sedate them with a fair amount of success, our noticeable failure had been Jack. Cats are very pragmatic creatures, they don't fight unless they have to for the most part. We'd backed Jack into a corner then tried to take him by force, of course it wasn't going to work, as he had so ably proven. Maybe a non-aggressive approach would yield better results. He'd already beaten the crap out of me, he knew I was no threat to him, although the way the virus seemed to inhibit memory meant that wasn't a sure thing. But as his frustration increased the harder it would be to deal with him and the greater the chance that he would seriously injure himself or someone else.
I knew Janet would never agree to what I had in mind so I didn't give her the chance. Teal'c was out of his depth on this; he doesn't really understand science yet, but I'm sure he will. He had misgivings, but I don't think he felt in a position to argue the point.
It was risky, but Teal'c was able to open the door just enough for me to slip in then slam it shut before Jack could get out. I freely admit to being absolutely terrified at that point. Jack was furious and maybe it was just a trick of the light and my imagination or maybe it was some further physical evidence of the virus, but I'd swear his eyes were cat-gold.
I kept very quiet and very still as he pounded on the door and screamed at Teal'c's impassive face watching through the bars. I told Teal'c to shut the grille, his visible presence was agitating Jack something fierce and I was scared he'd do himself or me an injury in his attempt to escape. I could see Teal'c's concern, but he did as I asked, though no doubt he stayed close and listened hard. A few minutes after the grille had closed Jack abandoned his furious assault and turned away from the door.
I think he'd forgotten I was there because I'm sure I saw surprise on his face. I kept absolutely still as he stalked me; I'm not sure if the virus offers any sensory enhancements, but I'm sure he could tell how terrified I was. I could see a terrible rage in his eyes that I remembered seeing once before on Abydos. Then, all that anger and hatred had been turned in on himself, now it had turned outside. I was banking on two things; the first was that I simply couldn't believe Jack was completely gone under that virus-induced beast; secondly, that I had correctly interpreted his behaviour patterns. This was the acid test, if I'd got it wrong there was every chance Jack would kill me.
When he finally moved it was so fast I didn't register it until his hand was at my throat, squeezing tight enough to all but cut off my air supply. But he hadn't killed me yet, so I took that as a good sign. It went against all my anthropological know-how, but I met his eyes and held them. I should have gone for submissive, I knew that, but somehow that was wrong for Jack and me. I guess that was where I drew the line between objective knowledge and subjective intuition. His grip didn't slacken, but it didn't tighten either. I was seeing black spots when, with an oddly impatient growl, Jack set me free and resumed his pacing. I slid down the wall, just trying to catch my breath. I'd been proven right, though about which part of my theory I wasn't sure.
When I'd pulled myself together a bit more I tried calling him, at first he ignored me, then I'm not sure if it was his name he responded to or the pleading tone of my voice. The pacing slowed and stopped and he finally came to crouch directly in front of me. I hadn't shifted from the wall, I wasn't stupid. He was studying me and I'm not sure what it was he saw, his friend Daniel, or some stranger that had invaded his territory and didn't have the sense to leave again. Of course, now I had no idea what to do, except that whatever move I made had better not be considered aggressive or I probably wouldn't have time to regret my mistake.
Very, very carefully and very, very slowly I raised my hands, palms open for his approval. Curiosity killed the cat, although in this instance I just wanted to calm him down. He watched me cautiously, but he made no hostile moves. After a few more minutes of this silent communication I moved again, just my right hand reaching for him slowly. He shied away, hissing almost, I stopped moving and eventually he came back. It took four attempts before I was finally able to touch him, just on the arm. He really did hiss that time, he jumped up and backed to the far corner of the room.
Strange as it seemed, Jack almost appeared to be afraid of me and I knew that couldn't be the case. Maybe, just maybe, he was afraid for me instead. He crouched down against the far wall and we watched each other for a long time, at least it felt that way. Stalemate. I had to make the first move now and I had to hope it wouldn't be my last.
Standing up, putting myself above him, would have been an incredibly stupid thing to do, so instead I shifted to my hands and knees and crawled across the intervening floor space, very careful to leave him an escape route. Even completely normal, Jack doesn't like being backed into corners. He moved away from me a little, but I didn't increase my speed and he wasn't backing away as quickly as I was advancing. When I was close enough I stopped and gave him time to move away if he wanted to. He didn't.
I touched his hand this time, where it rested on his knee, just two fingers gently stroking a line down the back of his hand. His hand twitched, but Jack did nothing but watch me as I repeated the motion. Something I realised fairly early on in our friendship is that Jack is a tactile person, a fact which I'm sad to say I am pathetically grateful for.
I never realised how much a hug could heal until that first night I stayed at his house after Sha're was taken. Two beers and I was a sobbing mess on his couch. It was probably the last thing I expected from him, but Jack had taken it in his stride, sat on the couch next to me and wrapped me up in his long arms. If I'd been less upset I would have been absolutely mortified at the way I just buried my face in his neck and cried, while he murmured reassurance in my ear and stroked a soothing hand down my back. I must have cried myself to sleep in his arms, because the next thing I remember is waking up in his spare bed the next morning, still mostly dressed.
Neither of us have ever mentioned it, but what he gave me that night I'm not sure I will ever be able to repay. He took me in, grounded me against the nightmare my life had just become and comforted me without a murmur of complaint and the unspoken assurance that he'd do it again as often as I needed it. In one night he gave me a sense of... Family is a word I hesitate to use; I don't have a lot of experience with it and for that reason it means a lot to me, but I think it's the closest I can come to describing it.
In the weeks since that day, I've seen Jack's hands-on approach more than once and I'm sure it's not a one-way process. It stands to reason doesn't it, that someone who touches others to offer comfort, would themselves appreciate being touched for that same reason? So touch was what I had to do, despite not being so comfortable with the idea myself.
I'm not sure if I was trying to comfort my friend Jack, who was suffering from this virus, or a confused creature that had found itself imprisoned in strange surroundings. I lengthened my strokes gradually, all the time waiting for him to turn on me, but it never happened. When I reached his shoulder I could feel the tension singing in his muscles, but I tried not to react to it. I tried to touch his face, but that he did object to, twisting away from me, although his body remained close. I changed tactic and began to stroke his shoulder and down his back. That finally got me the result I'd been hoping for.
It took a while, to the point where I was beginning to ache from my odd position and the constant repetitive movement of my arm, but I wasn't going to give in. And I got my reward. Jack dropped to his knees from the crouch and then shifted slightly sideways towards me, so his legs could stretch out a little. Startled, I paused and he stilled completely, so I began again, stroking up and down his back like I remembered doing for that big desert cat when I was six.
I'm not sure if it was me or him that moved, but at least one of us must have because as I finally blink out of my thoughts Jack is leaning against me, his head resting on my shoulder, his hand on my thigh as I kneel, small movements of his fingers returning some of the petting. It's very weird, but strangely comfortable at the same time.
I've no idea how long I've spent in here now, probably over an hour, but not two. When the grille slams open and the extremely unhappy face of Doctor Janet Frasier appears, I can feel Jack tense against me, from relaxed to ready to pounce in no time at all. I don't think Janet knows what to say. I'm pretty sure she wants to kill me, Hippocratic oath or no, but what I've managed to accomplish with Jack... He's still tense against me and I realise I've stopped stroking, so I begin again, trying to lull him back into the calm we shared before. It works to a certain extent, but I can feel how wary he is now and part of me is thoroughly annoyed at the interruption.
"Doctor Jackson," Janet keeps her voice soft, but still Jack tenses, "We need to get you out of there, the General wants to see us, he's authorising a return to the planet."
I have to go and I have to stay. Teal'c and I have to be the ones to go back; we know the people and we seem to be immune to the virus, but I don't want to leave Jack. The restless rage has eased for a while, but I'm afraid it will return full force if I leave, and worse, I'm afraid that without a target it will eventually turn back on itself as it did once before. I won't, I can't make Jack go through that again. I hadn't been able to the first time on Abydos and he was a stranger then, now he's probably my closest friend. But we have to go back to the planet, a cure has to take priority.
Carefully I try to extricate myself and a hand wraps around my wrist tight enough to cut off the circulation, when I stop moving the grip relaxes but doesn't release. I cast a helpless look at Janet, "He doesn't want me to go."
Janet's face disappears from the grille to be replaced by Teal'c's - what he thinks of this I have no idea. A moment later Janet returns, "Can you keep him calm enough for me to sedate him?"
That's a question and I have no idea of the answer, "I can try."
I hear the bolt slide back on the door and I know Jack has heard it too; he's very tense but I don't think he's going to bolt for the door the minute it opens. Maybe he doesn't like being shut in a tiny cell, but at least it's known to him now and I hope holds a measure of security for him in the form of myself. Before the door can open I call out to Janet, "Be as slow and non-threatening as you can." It's probably unnecessary, Janet is hardly stupid, but I can't take the risk.
I thought she'd bring a nurse or two with her, or at least Teal'c, but she comes in alone and my respect for her goes up a notch. She has a needle in one hand and advances cautiously. I'm still stroking Jack's back, but I can feel him tense more and more with every step she takes despite my best efforts. Something indefinable changes in Jack's posture when Janet is no more than a few feet away and my cry is urgent, "Stop!"
She does just that, holding absolutely still, maybe the military obsession with following orders has some use after all. Jack is just this side of fight or flight and I have no idea what to do or which way he'll jump. Neither Janet nor I are a match for him and we both know it. Ever so carefully I extend my hand, speaking in as calm a voice as I can manage under the circumstances, "Janet, give me the needle."
She does so, but gives me a questioning look. I've had the basic field medical training, Jack saw to that, but I've never had to actually use any of that knowledge before. I hold the needle out on the palm of my hand, letting Jack see it, having no idea if he recognises what it is. A quick glance ascertains that it's an inanimate object then his gaze goes back to Janet. I can't help but feel a little amazed by the apparent trust Jack has in me, even if this isn't Jack, something of him has to still be in there.
I keep up the stroking as I carefully uncap the needle with my teeth. Jack's sleeves are torn so I have relatively easy access. Now comes the fun part. I've never given a needle before, there is no way this won't hurt Jack and I have no idea how he will react to that betrayal on my part. I have to hope that whatever of Jack is buried underneath the beast understands. I'm not sure whether I should try to ease the needle in or just jab it, either way is going to hurt and if I try it slow and easy I might not get enough into him and sedating him after that will be impossible. I rub his bare arm a little first, I'm not sure why, to prepare him for the needle, to reassure him or myself, I don't know. I take a deep breath and in goes the needle.
Jack's cry is surprise and pain, but his actions are pure fury. It's probably lucky we're as close together as we are, if he had room to manoeuvre I'd be dead. Teal'c is in the room in a flash, hauling Jack back even as I try to escape. For a moment I think Jack is going to break something he's twisting so fiercely in Teal'c's grip, trying to free himself and then the movements lose their strength, his angry cries become quieter and moments later he hangs limp in Teal'c's arms.
My heart is pounding and I'm shaking like a leaf even though I'm no more than slightly bruised. Janet looks pretty shaken too, but Teal'c's completely unperturbed - must be a Jaffa thing. I pick myself up off the floor with Janet's help as Teal'c lays Jack back down with a gentleness that surprises me. I'm still not sure if I want to trust the big Jaffa, but the obvious concern and care that he takes with Jack is a step in the right direction. Now that Jack's out for the count they should be able to keep him sedated provided they time it right and with any luck he won't hurt anyone else or himself. It still feels like a gross betrayal of trust, but if we are able to find a cure I think Jack will forgive me. I think he'd forgive me even if we didn't, but it will help me to forgive myself.
Determination is a good cure for shock it seems, because standing in front of General Hammond now I'm not shaking at all. Teal'c and I are going back and we're going to find something and it will help Janet find a cure and Jack will be back to normal in no time - he will. And the next time I wake up screaming for Sha're to find him holding me close and comforting me, I'll know I've given him something in return, small as the payment may be.
FIN
29th January 2003
Comments welcome.
Disclaimer: These characters don't belong to me, I'm not sure who they do belong to, but if they ever feel like selling... ;-) I make no profit by this and mean no harm.
Rating: PG
Warnings: None
Pairing: None
Notes: Every time I watch this episode this snags at my brain, so it was probably inevitable that I'd write something about it sooner or later. Set during Broca Divide. First person pov.
Summary: True communication means more than words can say.
Crossing the Broca Divide
Copyright Margaret Turner
13th January 2003
Jack's quiet now as he rests against me, although we can still hear the sounds of his fellow inmates along the corridor. The grunts and yells, thuds and crashes as they hurl themselves at the walls and doors in a futile attempt to escape. From an anthropological standpoint this regression is fascinating, but in all honesty it's mostly terrifying, not least because it's spread so quickly. Half of us seemed to get it from the planet, but Jack got it from Sam and as quickly as that we're teetering on the brink.
Teal'c's unaffected, but that's most likely one of the benefits of his symbiote. Why I haven't got it, why Doctor Frasier hasn't, is anyone's guess at this point. If there's some natural immunity at work, then it stands to reason we won't be the only ones, but so far the odds are overwhelmingly against us. Janet's running out of places to put the affected people. We're a frontline facility, but we've only been frontline for a month, we had no idea what we might run into out there so we had no idea of what we might need. Now we know - some of it anyway.
Lock them up out of harm's way, restrain them, drug them into insensibility if nothing else works. It's not something I've ever really thought about, but if I had, I guess I would have thought such treatment inhumane, but here and now I understand all too well how necessary it is. If Janet and the General hadn't acted as they did, not only might this have escaped the mountain, but we could have been looking at fatalities - which brings me back to why I'm here.
Janet says Nurse Hawkins and Lieutenant Rogers will recover, which is a relief, but it still doesn't lessen the shock that it was Jack that did that to them. I never really thought of Jack as, well, as a soldier and now it's just bitten me on the ass. He very nearly permanently disabled two fully-grown men and gave a hell of a lot of bruises to a few more. I can blame it on the virus, like the way Johnson went berserk in the briefing room, but I can't ignore it. Janet is too busy to notice the differences in her patients, I'm not sure it's even significant, but it's why I'm here now against all common sense and even Janet's orders.
After they'd pulled the injured out, they slammed the door and Janet said they could only hope Jack would wear himself out soon so they could sedate him before he did himself or anyone else a permanent injury. I had nothing to say to that so I just sat in the corridor and waited; Teal'c was needed to help with other patients, but I was superfluous to requirements, so I might as well have been there as anywhere else. Staying nearby made me feel like I might be able to help, somehow, and that was when I noticed.
Down the corridor Colonel Makepeace was busy smashing his room up, the other inmates were similarly occupied from the sounds of things. But not Jack. I didn't even register at first the strange silence from his cell, not until I heard the first frustrated... cry is the best word for it, I suppose. It took me back nearly twenty-five years to when I was a child in Egypt with my parents. We'd had to visit a local dignitary to get permission for a dig and the man had fancied himself something of a modern pharaoh. I don't really remember much of the visit, but one thing did stick - like the pharaohs of old, the man had a hunting cat. It was a big desert cat, the kind that could swallow a curious six year-old boy whole. Jack probably wouldn't find it any sort of surprise that rather than being terrified I was instead fascinated by it. Animals hadn't played a big part in my life; there were camels, occasionally horses, and lots of scorpions, but pets of any description were outside my experience. I was warned away from it, shown an impressive set of scars the beast had inflicted, but I still managed to get away from my parents during the meeting and find the cat sunning itself in the courtyard.
I suppose it was mostly luck that it didn't kill me, but to be honest I've always regarded the beast with a certain amount of affection. She let me pet her and even swiped her rough, wet tongue across my cheek. I've read somewhere that cats are able to identify children as human kittens and are prepared to be more patient with them as a result. I don't know how true that is, but it's an interesting concept. Anyway, that's what Jack reminded me of, not just the noise he made, but his actions. Teal'c had left the grille in the door open so I got up and peered in. After a quick glance at me, Jack ignored my presence and continued what he'd been doing, namely restlessly pacing up and down the small cell. And everything just slipped into place.
Jack was reacting differently to the virus, or at least the end results were different. Makepeace, the marines, everyone I'd seen infected with this to date had regressed, their behaviour not a million miles from that of the big primates. Jack seemed to have gone a different route altogether. The pacing, the sounds he made, his attack on the nurses; they bore far more resemblance to the behaviour of the big cats. He was as territorial as the marines, but he attacked differently. The marines flailed about, half of the display intended to intimidate rather than actually fight so they'd been relatively easy to subdue with numbers. Jack had gone straight for the kill every time, minimum expenditure of energy, maximum damage. It was predatory rather than brute social violence. Maybe it's some weird offshoot of his Special Ops training, I have no idea, I'm a linguist mostly not a psychologist or a medical doctor. But that's what gave me this brilliant idea.
If he was behaving differently then a different approach might have more success. We'd been overpowering the others to sedate them with a fair amount of success, our noticeable failure had been Jack. Cats are very pragmatic creatures, they don't fight unless they have to for the most part. We'd backed Jack into a corner then tried to take him by force, of course it wasn't going to work, as he had so ably proven. Maybe a non-aggressive approach would yield better results. He'd already beaten the crap out of me, he knew I was no threat to him, although the way the virus seemed to inhibit memory meant that wasn't a sure thing. But as his frustration increased the harder it would be to deal with him and the greater the chance that he would seriously injure himself or someone else.
I knew Janet would never agree to what I had in mind so I didn't give her the chance. Teal'c was out of his depth on this; he doesn't really understand science yet, but I'm sure he will. He had misgivings, but I don't think he felt in a position to argue the point.
It was risky, but Teal'c was able to open the door just enough for me to slip in then slam it shut before Jack could get out. I freely admit to being absolutely terrified at that point. Jack was furious and maybe it was just a trick of the light and my imagination or maybe it was some further physical evidence of the virus, but I'd swear his eyes were cat-gold.
I kept very quiet and very still as he pounded on the door and screamed at Teal'c's impassive face watching through the bars. I told Teal'c to shut the grille, his visible presence was agitating Jack something fierce and I was scared he'd do himself or me an injury in his attempt to escape. I could see Teal'c's concern, but he did as I asked, though no doubt he stayed close and listened hard. A few minutes after the grille had closed Jack abandoned his furious assault and turned away from the door.
I think he'd forgotten I was there because I'm sure I saw surprise on his face. I kept absolutely still as he stalked me; I'm not sure if the virus offers any sensory enhancements, but I'm sure he could tell how terrified I was. I could see a terrible rage in his eyes that I remembered seeing once before on Abydos. Then, all that anger and hatred had been turned in on himself, now it had turned outside. I was banking on two things; the first was that I simply couldn't believe Jack was completely gone under that virus-induced beast; secondly, that I had correctly interpreted his behaviour patterns. This was the acid test, if I'd got it wrong there was every chance Jack would kill me.
When he finally moved it was so fast I didn't register it until his hand was at my throat, squeezing tight enough to all but cut off my air supply. But he hadn't killed me yet, so I took that as a good sign. It went against all my anthropological know-how, but I met his eyes and held them. I should have gone for submissive, I knew that, but somehow that was wrong for Jack and me. I guess that was where I drew the line between objective knowledge and subjective intuition. His grip didn't slacken, but it didn't tighten either. I was seeing black spots when, with an oddly impatient growl, Jack set me free and resumed his pacing. I slid down the wall, just trying to catch my breath. I'd been proven right, though about which part of my theory I wasn't sure.
When I'd pulled myself together a bit more I tried calling him, at first he ignored me, then I'm not sure if it was his name he responded to or the pleading tone of my voice. The pacing slowed and stopped and he finally came to crouch directly in front of me. I hadn't shifted from the wall, I wasn't stupid. He was studying me and I'm not sure what it was he saw, his friend Daniel, or some stranger that had invaded his territory and didn't have the sense to leave again. Of course, now I had no idea what to do, except that whatever move I made had better not be considered aggressive or I probably wouldn't have time to regret my mistake.
Very, very carefully and very, very slowly I raised my hands, palms open for his approval. Curiosity killed the cat, although in this instance I just wanted to calm him down. He watched me cautiously, but he made no hostile moves. After a few more minutes of this silent communication I moved again, just my right hand reaching for him slowly. He shied away, hissing almost, I stopped moving and eventually he came back. It took four attempts before I was finally able to touch him, just on the arm. He really did hiss that time, he jumped up and backed to the far corner of the room.
Strange as it seemed, Jack almost appeared to be afraid of me and I knew that couldn't be the case. Maybe, just maybe, he was afraid for me instead. He crouched down against the far wall and we watched each other for a long time, at least it felt that way. Stalemate. I had to make the first move now and I had to hope it wouldn't be my last.
Standing up, putting myself above him, would have been an incredibly stupid thing to do, so instead I shifted to my hands and knees and crawled across the intervening floor space, very careful to leave him an escape route. Even completely normal, Jack doesn't like being backed into corners. He moved away from me a little, but I didn't increase my speed and he wasn't backing away as quickly as I was advancing. When I was close enough I stopped and gave him time to move away if he wanted to. He didn't.
I touched his hand this time, where it rested on his knee, just two fingers gently stroking a line down the back of his hand. His hand twitched, but Jack did nothing but watch me as I repeated the motion. Something I realised fairly early on in our friendship is that Jack is a tactile person, a fact which I'm sad to say I am pathetically grateful for.
I never realised how much a hug could heal until that first night I stayed at his house after Sha're was taken. Two beers and I was a sobbing mess on his couch. It was probably the last thing I expected from him, but Jack had taken it in his stride, sat on the couch next to me and wrapped me up in his long arms. If I'd been less upset I would have been absolutely mortified at the way I just buried my face in his neck and cried, while he murmured reassurance in my ear and stroked a soothing hand down my back. I must have cried myself to sleep in his arms, because the next thing I remember is waking up in his spare bed the next morning, still mostly dressed.
Neither of us have ever mentioned it, but what he gave me that night I'm not sure I will ever be able to repay. He took me in, grounded me against the nightmare my life had just become and comforted me without a murmur of complaint and the unspoken assurance that he'd do it again as often as I needed it. In one night he gave me a sense of... Family is a word I hesitate to use; I don't have a lot of experience with it and for that reason it means a lot to me, but I think it's the closest I can come to describing it.
In the weeks since that day, I've seen Jack's hands-on approach more than once and I'm sure it's not a one-way process. It stands to reason doesn't it, that someone who touches others to offer comfort, would themselves appreciate being touched for that same reason? So touch was what I had to do, despite not being so comfortable with the idea myself.
I'm not sure if I was trying to comfort my friend Jack, who was suffering from this virus, or a confused creature that had found itself imprisoned in strange surroundings. I lengthened my strokes gradually, all the time waiting for him to turn on me, but it never happened. When I reached his shoulder I could feel the tension singing in his muscles, but I tried not to react to it. I tried to touch his face, but that he did object to, twisting away from me, although his body remained close. I changed tactic and began to stroke his shoulder and down his back. That finally got me the result I'd been hoping for.
It took a while, to the point where I was beginning to ache from my odd position and the constant repetitive movement of my arm, but I wasn't going to give in. And I got my reward. Jack dropped to his knees from the crouch and then shifted slightly sideways towards me, so his legs could stretch out a little. Startled, I paused and he stilled completely, so I began again, stroking up and down his back like I remembered doing for that big desert cat when I was six.
I'm not sure if it was me or him that moved, but at least one of us must have because as I finally blink out of my thoughts Jack is leaning against me, his head resting on my shoulder, his hand on my thigh as I kneel, small movements of his fingers returning some of the petting. It's very weird, but strangely comfortable at the same time.
I've no idea how long I've spent in here now, probably over an hour, but not two. When the grille slams open and the extremely unhappy face of Doctor Janet Frasier appears, I can feel Jack tense against me, from relaxed to ready to pounce in no time at all. I don't think Janet knows what to say. I'm pretty sure she wants to kill me, Hippocratic oath or no, but what I've managed to accomplish with Jack... He's still tense against me and I realise I've stopped stroking, so I begin again, trying to lull him back into the calm we shared before. It works to a certain extent, but I can feel how wary he is now and part of me is thoroughly annoyed at the interruption.
"Doctor Jackson," Janet keeps her voice soft, but still Jack tenses, "We need to get you out of there, the General wants to see us, he's authorising a return to the planet."
I have to go and I have to stay. Teal'c and I have to be the ones to go back; we know the people and we seem to be immune to the virus, but I don't want to leave Jack. The restless rage has eased for a while, but I'm afraid it will return full force if I leave, and worse, I'm afraid that without a target it will eventually turn back on itself as it did once before. I won't, I can't make Jack go through that again. I hadn't been able to the first time on Abydos and he was a stranger then, now he's probably my closest friend. But we have to go back to the planet, a cure has to take priority.
Carefully I try to extricate myself and a hand wraps around my wrist tight enough to cut off the circulation, when I stop moving the grip relaxes but doesn't release. I cast a helpless look at Janet, "He doesn't want me to go."
Janet's face disappears from the grille to be replaced by Teal'c's - what he thinks of this I have no idea. A moment later Janet returns, "Can you keep him calm enough for me to sedate him?"
That's a question and I have no idea of the answer, "I can try."
I hear the bolt slide back on the door and I know Jack has heard it too; he's very tense but I don't think he's going to bolt for the door the minute it opens. Maybe he doesn't like being shut in a tiny cell, but at least it's known to him now and I hope holds a measure of security for him in the form of myself. Before the door can open I call out to Janet, "Be as slow and non-threatening as you can." It's probably unnecessary, Janet is hardly stupid, but I can't take the risk.
I thought she'd bring a nurse or two with her, or at least Teal'c, but she comes in alone and my respect for her goes up a notch. She has a needle in one hand and advances cautiously. I'm still stroking Jack's back, but I can feel him tense more and more with every step she takes despite my best efforts. Something indefinable changes in Jack's posture when Janet is no more than a few feet away and my cry is urgent, "Stop!"
She does just that, holding absolutely still, maybe the military obsession with following orders has some use after all. Jack is just this side of fight or flight and I have no idea what to do or which way he'll jump. Neither Janet nor I are a match for him and we both know it. Ever so carefully I extend my hand, speaking in as calm a voice as I can manage under the circumstances, "Janet, give me the needle."
She does so, but gives me a questioning look. I've had the basic field medical training, Jack saw to that, but I've never had to actually use any of that knowledge before. I hold the needle out on the palm of my hand, letting Jack see it, having no idea if he recognises what it is. A quick glance ascertains that it's an inanimate object then his gaze goes back to Janet. I can't help but feel a little amazed by the apparent trust Jack has in me, even if this isn't Jack, something of him has to still be in there.
I keep up the stroking as I carefully uncap the needle with my teeth. Jack's sleeves are torn so I have relatively easy access. Now comes the fun part. I've never given a needle before, there is no way this won't hurt Jack and I have no idea how he will react to that betrayal on my part. I have to hope that whatever of Jack is buried underneath the beast understands. I'm not sure whether I should try to ease the needle in or just jab it, either way is going to hurt and if I try it slow and easy I might not get enough into him and sedating him after that will be impossible. I rub his bare arm a little first, I'm not sure why, to prepare him for the needle, to reassure him or myself, I don't know. I take a deep breath and in goes the needle.
Jack's cry is surprise and pain, but his actions are pure fury. It's probably lucky we're as close together as we are, if he had room to manoeuvre I'd be dead. Teal'c is in the room in a flash, hauling Jack back even as I try to escape. For a moment I think Jack is going to break something he's twisting so fiercely in Teal'c's grip, trying to free himself and then the movements lose their strength, his angry cries become quieter and moments later he hangs limp in Teal'c's arms.
My heart is pounding and I'm shaking like a leaf even though I'm no more than slightly bruised. Janet looks pretty shaken too, but Teal'c's completely unperturbed - must be a Jaffa thing. I pick myself up off the floor with Janet's help as Teal'c lays Jack back down with a gentleness that surprises me. I'm still not sure if I want to trust the big Jaffa, but the obvious concern and care that he takes with Jack is a step in the right direction. Now that Jack's out for the count they should be able to keep him sedated provided they time it right and with any luck he won't hurt anyone else or himself. It still feels like a gross betrayal of trust, but if we are able to find a cure I think Jack will forgive me. I think he'd forgive me even if we didn't, but it will help me to forgive myself.
Determination is a good cure for shock it seems, because standing in front of General Hammond now I'm not shaking at all. Teal'c and I are going back and we're going to find something and it will help Janet find a cure and Jack will be back to normal in no time - he will. And the next time I wake up screaming for Sha're to find him holding me close and comforting me, I'll know I've given him something in return, small as the payment may be.
FIN
29th January 2003
Comments welcome.