*cringes*

[mogwai_do]

Tell me it's not just me, please. I read far, far too much fanfic (shocker), but it seems someone announced badfic week and didn't tell me. Some examples from just this last week and these are almost painful just to cut & paste:

"You don't know how much I want that magnificent mound of man meat pummelling into me"

"Sherlock slips his dominant hand over John's flaccid love truncheon" this one also featured his "thick sausage".

I just... if you can't type the word cock you probably shouldn't be writing slashfic, also how old are you and where on *earth* did you get those phrases from!?!

vicarious instead of precarious - which in context changed the sentence quite considerably and it happened repeatedly in this fic.

defiantly instead of definitely - I see this a lot and it's really starting to annoy me now.

Also, how hard is it to spellcheck things? Really? Not that hard I'm thinking. Definitely not as hard as trying to read some of this stuff...

And then there're the stories themselves:

We have the buggery without any preparation at all (actually and specifically without prep and not in a rape or BDSM scenario), which y'know, doesn't strike me as a wildly enjoyable idea, despite what the author seems to think.

We also have the massively out of character characters, where if they didn't keep mentioning the names every few lines, I would have no clue who they were meant to be, or even which show they were from.

There is more, but I can't bring myself to detail it all anymore, I'll just end up crying.

It's possible I'm just being a snobby bitch and it's true, no-one is forcing me to read this stuff, but still... I will overlook a variety of errors for a good story, but some things... I know some of my early stuff is bad, but I don't think it was ever *this* bad. Please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong though - I'm happy to take concrit.

Comments

[evilawyer]

"Man meat"! "Love truncheon"! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Okay, see, I almost always assume that bad fanfic that includes goofy stuff like those euphemisms is written as parody (or crackfic, as everyone likes to call it). I take it for the slapstick laugh-fest I think it's meant to be UNTIL I see other indications that the writer was taking their story and themselves far, far too seriously.

Misspelling and missing words, well, I don't like them although I'm certainly in no position to cast stones. It doesn't help that I only occasionally use a beta because the time lag, no matter how brief, gets in the way of my "Get it out of my brain and free up mental space!" attitude toward writing and posting. Use of the wrong word, though, gets to me big time. It throws off the whole tone, can wreck characterization and is just jarring. Once upon a time, I used to jump in there without hesitation and point out they might want to consider another word. I'm must more careful nowadays, since so many people can't stand constructive criticism (by which I mean, it hurts them to the core and gets their hackles up, and I'm not good/don't really want to interact with people who are that fragile) and since it finally struck me that so many fanfic writers posting in the less esoteric fandoms aren't English speakers. Still, I figure they're practicing their English, so a little editing would be nice.

Ah, you speak of the "fanfic improbability factor". Or so I've dubbed it. Ecstasy without lube, unemotional characters acting crying and carrying on, absolute shitheads portrayed as warm and caring. This always puts me off, too. I understand that fanfic can be used as a tool to minimize cognitive dissonance, and using it to do so makes perfect sense. Make the characters "better" or flesh out their reactions to an event or to each other when canon didn't have enough time or was directed elsewhere --- that's all fine. But take a character and completely ignore their canon presentation? Pretend that s/he isn't the way s/he is? It's a dull read and, frankly, they're something about it that makes the fic and the author seem incredibly immature no matter what her/his chronological age is. Which is why I hang back on the periphery of fandoms,at least by comparison to a lot of folk. Sherlock BBC, for example. After the first series (still have to watch the second series), I read so many fic that wrote Sherlock as being sexually repressed and simply in need of a good, lubeless screwing to unleash his inner sexy horndog and/or John as being a weeper who cried at the drop of a hat. I'd read and ask myself, "What Sherlock were they watching?" Bad fanfic, I can just stop reading. If I try to get into discussions with people who write like that about their perceptions, I know that sooner or later I'm going to get frustrated and bitchy with them. Not worth it --- I'd rather save my frustration and bitching for real life.

[mogwai_do]

Okay, see, I almost always assume that bad fanfic that includes goofy stuff like those euphemisms is written as parody (or crackfic, as everyone likes to call it). I take it for the slapstick laugh-fest I think it's meant to be UNTIL I see other indications that the writer was taking their story and themselves far, far too seriously

Sadly, these were *entirely* serious, in one case the fic hadn't actually been too bad up until then and I just... my reaction was much like yours. Completely threw me out of the fic and I just couldn't continue reading it after that.

I do think as a general rule of thumb if you can't write cock (or prick, dick or even, depending on context, penis) you shouldn't be writing slashfic.

I have a certain amount of flexibility re: characterisation. My English Lit teacher endeared herself to me enormously when she once said you could argue whatever you wanted about a character (IIRC, it was Claudius and Polonius in Hamlet) as long as you could back it up and I have played with it myself just to see if I could show a character in a certain light and still make it reasonably believable. I'm not ever going to be happy with weepy!Sherlock or weepy!John (or weepy!anyone thinking about it), but in certain contexts, if the author plays it right I will accept that they might cry. When it's inconsistent within a fic, or the worst and sadly most common scenario, when they just seem to burst into tears at the drop of a hat - can't be having with that at all.

[evilawyer]

I do think as a general rule of thumb if you can't write cock (or prick, dick or even, depending on context, penis) you shouldn't be writing slashfic.

Oh, yeah. Absolutely. I can't understand why you'd want to even read slash, let alone write it, if you can't bring yourself to say cock or dick or some variant thereof.

...you could argue whatever you wanted about a character (IIRC, it was Claudius and Polonius in Hamlet) as long as you could back it up...

That's true. If you can back it up, then it can work. But you have to bother to back it up, not just write it. If someone has gone through the steps of making the reaction be one possibility to the scenario, then I give them kudos for that even if I don't like/don't agree with their take on the situation. It's this "I think [insert thing not supported by canon at all here, e.g. weepy!John] would look good. That's what I'll write", without trying to give any explanation of why the characters would react int he good-looking way, that bugs me. Even PWP has to have some logic to it, I think. It bugs the hell out of me when I see people pairing characters who could have logically never even met without trying to give at least a remotely plausible excuse for them being together in the same place and time. There's suspension of disbelief, but it has its limits.

[mogwai_do]

I can't understand why you'd want to even read slash, let alone write it, if you can't bring yourself to say cock or dick or some variant thereof.

No, that I can see (although my use of the words at that time had largely been as epithets for my brothers ;)). I discovered slash when I was about err...18-ish at uni with free access to the internet and there was a period of... synchronisation? between the reading and the writing. I was reading explicit stuff before I wrote it. IIRC, some slashwriter somewhere said it's a milestone when you write 'cock' or 'fuck' or something like that for the first time, which I would agree with. But then I don't think I was particularly ambitious at first - I worked up to it. I think a lot of the problem here is people who have no natural instinct for writing and probably haven't read many actual books are coming across some of the good stuff and going hey I can do that and get the same kudos, except they can't. They're jumping in the deep end with only the vaguest of idea how to swim and can't actually tell they're drowning... runaway metaphor has runaway from me now...

pairing characters who could have logically never even met without trying to give at least a remotely plausible excuse for them being together in the same place and time

I very fondly remember writing a Crossover fic which paired Methos from Highlander with a character played by the same actor in a one-off WWII tv movie thing. My logic was Methos is Immortal so he would have been around at the time, and I put him at Bletchley Park and engineered a completely spurious reason for how they met - which basically resulted in a massive pornathon I'm still quite proud of ;)

[evilawyer]

I very fondly remember writing a Crossover fic which paired Methos from Highlander with a character played by the same actor in a one-off WWII tv movie thing.

Crossover tend to naturally lend themselves to a bit more ability to suspend disbelief, but you still have to give some reason, no matter that it's flimsy. You engineered it in your story, which indicates you thought of a reason for putting them together. Even the thing about it being the same actor can put a context to the fic that makes it flow when read. And falling back on the immortal bit adds plausibility. I've seen stuff out there that really just plops down two characters who have no reason to be where they are and don't have much point to their interaction other than the writer had a visual image of what they'd look like together (or rather, "together"). Which, okay great --- it serves some function for the writer. Doesn't do a damn thing for me as a reader. It's part of what gives so much fanfic out there that "13-year-old-girl clique" feel to it.

I think I will hunt down this Highlander crossover of yours. Now, however, I shall go off to finish my epic fanfic in which Avon from Blake 7 and Owen from Torchwood fuck their way (lubeless!) through and across the Panoramic Era on Venus for no apparent reason. I'm at the chapter where Avon cries like a baby because Ianto has called him distrustful. ;-)

[mogwai_do]

It's part of what gives so much fanfic out there that "13-year-old-girl clique" feel to it.

Yes, that. Very much that.

Avon from Blake 7 and Owen from Torchwood fuck their way (lubeless!) through and across the Panoramic Era on Venus for no apparent reason. I'm at the chapter where Avon cries like a baby because Ianto has called him distrustful. ;-)

I'm glad I put my mug down before I read that ;) But I think you need to have a token disapproving/disappointed female too - can't decide if it should be Gwen (too close to canon maybe ;)) or... Soolin maybe?

[evilawyer]

Well, I suppose I can swap Soolin in for Servalan, who's been terribly worried that Owen is going to break her best buddy Avon's heart.

[mogwai_do]

*snort* Is this because Servalan relies so much on her male BFF for his wonderful support and all the really good ideas? ;)

[evilawyer]

Yes. She always reality-checks with Avon. Plus, she's so, you know, tender-hearted. It really hurts her to be so misunderstood. It all stems back to when Jack Harkness left her without the "loving her first" part. She's really so delicate and fragile, dontcha know.

Fuck, if anything remotely resembling this comes back to haunt me in my dreams and so hard that I have to get up at 2:00 a.m. to write it down so I can get back to sleep, I am so blaming you.

[mogwai_do]

Plus, she's so, you know, tender-hearted. It really hurts her to be so misunderstood

I know. She tries so hard to be strong and not let anyone see the terrible pain. I mean if Jack hadn't left her she never would have slept with that Yana bloke, but she really felt she needed an older man who could really *appreciate* her, but then that all went wrong when he turned out to be gay, which is why she's so upset about Avon now.

Fuck, if anything remotely resembling this comes back to haunt me in my dreams and so hard that I have to get up at 2:00 a.m. to write it down so I can get back to sleep, I am so blaming you.

LOL. I will take credit gladly and then have several stiff drinks before reading it ;)

[evilawyer]

I mean if Jack hadn't left her she never would have slept with that Yana bloke, but she really felt she needed an older man who could really *appreciate* her, but then that all went wrong when he turned out to be gay, which is why she's so upset about Avon now.

BWWWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! STOP! MY STOMACH IS HURTING FROM BOTH THE LAUGHTER AND THE STORYLINE!

But seriously, thank God Lucy Saxon was there to her get through the troubled times and provide a guiding light for how to hang on to her sanity in the face of man-caused adversity.

I will take credit gladly and then have several stiff drinks before reading it

I'll send you over a case of something fitting.

[mogwai_do]

Lucy Saxon was there to her get through the troubled times

Ah yes, Lucy, I'd forgotten about all about her. I mean after the trauma of her messy divorce and her self-medication for the ensuing depression. She came out all the stronger because in prison she chose a life of righteous celibacy rather than succumb to the rampant lesbian prisonblock gangbangs and she learned all about the power of forgiveness (except where men are concerned). It's lucky that she was able to move in with Servalan so quickly to be there for her when even her BFF!Avon abandons her for teh Gay.

... If there's an award for badfic we *must* be in with a chance for this ;)

[evilawyer]

...when even her BFF!Avon abandons her for teh Gay.

Which is why Servalan is still, even though he's abandoned her, still so worried about Avon because she suspects it's just a bisexual fling for Owen. Because, you know, "We're Torchwood" is something Jack taught her is synonymous with meaningless bisexual flings. Which is why Jack/Ianto/Gwen hurts so much to read in the lonely hours after she and Lucy finish their hot cocoa (which reminds her of Yana, but she drinks it to keep Lucy company) --- they have so much more than what she and Jack ever had.

If there's an award for badfic we *must* be in with a chance for this ;)

An award, or the first five scripts for Russell T. Davies new space soap opera. Guest appearances by Mulder and Scully in episode 6 to be written by RTD himself.

[mogwai_do]

I think we need to stop now before we hurt ourselves - or do irreparable harm if RTD does somehow get hold of this ;)